WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO THE GOOD OLD DAYS?

Q: Ladies, what ever happened to men that wanted normal women? Everytime I go out to try and meet someone I feel like if I try and have an intelligent conversation they're all of the sudden not interested. And I always see men with women that are so skinny they look like little boys? What ever happened to men wanting a sexy assertive woman?


A: This one baffles me. And I don't think it just happens in Los Angeles. I don't understand men that want to undress a woman in a bedroom and see pelvic bones sticking out and be turned on by it all. I grew up with true sex symbols. Sophia Loren. Jayne Mansfield. Bette Davis. Ru Paul. Ok, maybe not Ru Paul. But you have to admit for a dude he's damn hot. Hell, even in the 80's sex symbols like Cindy Crawford and Tyra Banks were hot as hell and they were still curvy (and they'll tell you now that they were starving themselves.) As for stupid girls....I don't get it. That's one I truly can't understand. I guess I can say that you might be looking in the wrong places? I'm assuming that men want those women just for the weekend to play hide the sausage with and not a serious relationship with- Although it seems as though those dumb women seem to always have boyfriends which I don't get either.
I think women off the world should play a game one night. Next time you go out, dumb it down and see how many phone numbers you get. And then the next night be your assertive self and see if anyone wants to nibble on your ear. That's everyone's next mission. And on the night you play dumb dress sluttier.

But i have a question for you men- what is it that you really like? Women with curves? Or women with no breasts that look like little boys? Women with a mind of their own or women who will shut up and make you some meatloaf? Please. PLEASE......do tell.

Staying friends with the ex....when it's not even your ex.

Q: So, one of my best girlfriends had this sort of on-and-off relationship with one of our mutual guy friends for about six months. They split for good about a month ago, maybe not on the best terms, but they're still cordial. Him and I are still friends (though I'm in a relationship), and sometimes we still hang out -- just as friends, of course! -- when we're out partying. My girlfriend says she doesn't like it when I hang out with this guy, although he was MY friend first and I told her a long time ago that if she dated him, she has to know that I will probably stay cool with him if they went their separate ways. And she's the one who broke it off with him, he was a wreck about it! But whatev. Am I right -- is she a little over spastic?

A: Ok, on one hand, I understand that you were "friends first," but on the other hand, I think, "Hoes before bros!" What's so important with this guy (that you're not even dating) that you would risk losing a girlfriend over? Good girlfriends are much harder to come by than male drinking buddies.

I know I once had a messy breakup with a guy that just so happened to direct movies. My girlfriend was an actress, and wanted to know if it was OK if she contacted him when she was out in LA once to just "hang out" and "talk about potential contacts" he might have for her. It made me feel (unjustifiably) jealous, even though I trusted her. I told her I didn't really like it, and she dropped the issue and never brought it up again. Good friend.

I think girlfriends and exes are a volatile mix because you want your girlfriends to always be on "your side," especially when something doesn't end well. Plus, let's face it, no matter how good of girlfriends you are, there's always a bit of jealousy that will always arise.

I'd really take a good, hard look at why you need to be friends with this guy at the price of making your girlfriend uncomfortable. This guy either makes your girl parts tingle, or you're not as good of friends with this girl as you think, because her feelings aren't really weighing in on your decisions right now.

Last option -- just keep your encounters with this "guy friend" on the DL. Why does your girlfriend need to know that you were at the same place at the same time and did a saki bomber together? If you're confident you're not doing anything wrong, then keep it to yourself and she can go on with blissful ignorance. ~ Flirtini

It's OK to have a list. (And not just for groceries.)

Q: "How do I know if I have realistic expectations of 'the one?'"

A: First off, let’s just say I’m not entirely sold on there being just one. Hopefully you’ll find more than one good one out there, or the world is really fucking unbalanced.

However, you only marry one person (at a time), so in that respect, I guess those of us who have that as an end goal are looking for “the one.”

And, even though I’m not entirely sold on the idea of marriage just yet, I do heart monogamy, so I’m looking for “one” who will be enough for me to give up “the others.”

Personally, I know I have a slightly unrealistic idea of what that one should be.

• Taller than me, but not what one would describe as “tall.” Just tall enough so that with my 3” stilettos, I can about look him in the eye.
• A fit body with great arms and abs, but not in a beefy muscular jockish kind of way.
• Undeniably confident, but not cocky.
• Completley suave, 007-style ... but also a little dorky.
• A good dresser, but not a better dresser than me.
• Makes me laugh all the time ... but doesn’t laugh at his own jokes.
• Super intelligent, but not in a snobby TV-is-the-antichrist way.
• Reads books (comic books don’t count).
• Well-endowed, but not so much so that he suffers from BDS (see previous post).
• Gives me all the freedom I desire and never gets jealous except on those rare occasions when it’s sort of hot to get jealous (must be able to know exactly when those occasions are).
  

The list could go on.

Will I find all these things conveniently packaged into one man? It's not likely. Have I accepted that? Yes. Does that mean I’m planning to settle for “close enough?” No.

Settling means you just want it to be over. The hunt. “No more!,” you say, and grab the nearest penis-wielding specimen at your next Speed Dating happy hour and convince yourself he’s the perfect fit.

We’ve all known a girl – or guy – who has done this. And we all watch with gritted teeth as they walk down the aisle with the wrong person, a plastic smile plastered on their face. And as soon as the complimentary bottle of champagne has been downed, we all start the pool for the divorce date.

Don’t settle kids. Much like a Croc purchase, you’ll regret it soon enough.

What I’m saying is don’t give up the search until you’ve found the person that fulfills enough of the qualities on your list that the others don’t seem important anymore.

It’s OK to have a list. I know, your therapist told you differently. But I’m saying it’s OK. Just NEVER EVER SHOW IT TO THE PERSON YOU’RE COMPARING TO THE LIST. For the love of baby jesus no.

But let me tell ya, I don’t know much, but I know this – you are not perfect. Neither is he. But when it’s right, those imperfections will turn adorable like fluffy, newborn, eyes-stuck-shut kittens.

Ok, maybe not. But they’ll at least be bearable.

I always tell my girls this – listen to your gut. If you’re wondering if he’s “the one,” there’s no need to. You already know. ~ Flirtini

BDS - A blessing and a curse.

I’ve been lucky enough to win the dick lottery on occasion.

One time, I hit the mother f’ing jackpot and started dating a man who had a penis the size of a small commercial jet liner.

I soon learned that the women who say “Size doesn’t matter,” have never had a big one before.

Oh, my friends, size matters. And I wish upon you all at least once chance in your life to understand this firsthand.

However, as I basked in my good dick fortune, it soon became apparent that my new obscenely well-endowed boyfriend was well aware of the golden ticket in his pants.

And a few months later, as he gave me a speech about how he “couldn’t cut himself off from other situations, romantically” (we were in different cities), I knew what that meant.

There was a line waiting to get into the big dick hotel, and I had overstayed my welcome.

This type of over-inflated-sense-of-importance based on peen size would come to be known amongst my friends and I as BDS, or Big Dick Syndrome.

The signs of BDS include:
• Typically over 30, old enough that enough women have fainted over sight of enormous penis that ego has been adequately, uh, stroked
• Blackberry is permanently attached to hand to answer booty calls day or night (though this will be under the guise of “very important business”)
• Magnum condoms not stored in nightstand, but left on top of dining room table, sometimes on silver platter
• Says “You’re welcome” every time undressing occurs, be this for sex, shower, or just to change pants, regardless of whether or not anyone is within earshot
• An inability to not flirt with anything female, though will call this “just having a lot of friends”
• Eagerness to remind you that you are “one damn lucky girl” during any momentary lapse of silence in conversation
• Hero worship of all thing phallic – oblong floor lamps, cucumbers, his own image in a mirror when arms are pressed tightly to sides

While not all well-endowed men will posses BDS, for those who do it is unfortunately a permanent and irreversible syndrome. Their ego has been so built up by women over the years that the attention gathered from dropping trou is an addiction that must be constantly fed.

Men with BDS will most likely drive you the point of insanity, first making you obsessed with sex in a nymphomaniac-like way you never knew was in you, then dropping you like a herpes-infested porn star, then not-so-accidentally running into you at ever social gathering you can imagine with a new Heidi-klum-lookalike on their arm to reiterate your insufficiency.

Good luck and godspeed with that one. ~ Flirtini